These are dark days for good manners. In our everyday lives, the rules of society and work are being rewritten in real time. Studies show that people are increasingly rude at work and impressively reluctant to say “please.”

Drivers seem terribly quick to beep, suitors are swift to ghost, diners are shrinking tips and children everywhere quiver with dread whenever they hear the phrase “use eye contact.”

Yet, hearteningly, the market for etiquette tips is booming. Return-to-office mandates have revealed a serious deficit in soft skills for many workers, particularly young ones, who entered their careers on Slack and Zoom. Employers are apparently now hiring professionals to train rusty or inexperienced employees how to handle clients and dress appropriately (i.e., ditch the hoodie and noisy bangles), according to a 2024 survey from Intelligent.com, a research site for university students. Nearly six in 10 business leaders surveyed by Resume Builder in 2023 said they were mandating etiquette lessons primarily to teach employees the art of “making polite conversation.”

A general anxiety about getting things wrong, professionally or socially, has ensured that TikTok posts about #etiquette have racked up views in the billions.

Photo: Lauren Santo Dominigo

1. A modern etiquette guide is going viral

Posts from one influencer, William Hanson, covering everything from entering crowded gatherings (look around, maintain eye contact, don’t look behind you as you shut the door) to spitting out an olive pit (fingers are fine) have drawn over 6 million followers on Instagram and TikTok. His video on how to manage peas with a knife and fork (never “shovel them”; use the tines) has been viewed over 100 million times. The process of eating, if we’re honest, can be unpleasant. Dining-etiquette videos tend to perform 50% better than the others.

A lot of Western dining etiquette is designed to reduce the noise, smell and sound of food, because calling too much attention to the primal, bodily act is just kind of repulsive. When people get promoted and are suddenly networking over meals, they are keen to know which fork to use and whether it’s alright to order the burger (yes, but if it’s enormous and unwieldy, eat it with a fork and knife).

2. Mind your manners during uncivil times 

Etiquette has never been taught properly in schools. The parents think the schools are doing it, and the schools think the parents are doing it. Nobody’s doing it. Good manners open doors that a fantastic degree, you’ve got from wherever, may not.

Don’t start until everyone’s food has arrived; try to finish around the same time; top off other people’s glasses before filling your own. The New York Times quotes, “Someone quite senior at the bank seeing a new graduate eating peas off the knife and turned to HR and said, ‘We cannot have that happening in front of clients because that looks absolutely lunatic.’”

Focus on being together. Ask what you can bring, not what you will bring, to help the host.

Etiquette coaching for corporate clients has picked up “big time” in the past two years, according to a recent story in the New York Times. “People just aren’t sure what’s acceptable.” Young people are especially prone to feeling either offended or anxious about having offended someone else, which makes them eager for rules they can follow and feel both proper and blameless.

4. For business meals, arrive early

You can scan the menu before colleagues arrive. Avoid ordering anything difficult that will make the act of eating distracting or messy. Ask for bones to be removed in the kitchen: No one wants to see an autopsy on the food in front of them.

It’s as if a neglect of niceties is evidence of both authenticity and power. Americans are also more receptive to etiquette training than people in the U.K.: “A British employee will say, ‘Really, we have to do this?’ In America, it’s, ‘Great! Training! Development! Self-improvement!’” Although etiquette expert like Hanson, has noticed that Americans are uniquely loud and reluctant to say please, and he gets irked by it.

Photo: Lauren Santo Dominigo

5. Eating out rules 

When you gesture for the bill—lean back, seeking eye contact, pantomiming signing the receipt (“Don’t yell ‘garçon!’”). Don’t allow children to use tablets at the table without headphones. Some etiquette rules are designed in part to sniff out and alienate outsiders (i.e., gird yourself when you hear a Brit say “With all due respect”). The best etiquette tips on proper decorum are mainly about sharing space as peacefully as possible.

Actually, it’s great to talk about the weather. There’s lots to say.

6. Don’t foist your allergies onto a dinner party

If I were on some very restricted diet, or if I were gluten free, or vegan, or anything, I would not say a word to my host. At a dinner party, it’s about what the host wants to do. Just pick at what you can, then eat when you get home. Once a magazine art director showed up at my house with a coffee press and lots of accompanying paraphernalia for his own sustenance. There is severe life-threatening allergies in my own family. My brother once had anaphylaxis shock from eggs, and died momentarily. My nephew has anaphylaxis from nuts. Neither would dream of making demands on their hosts. They know what they can and can’t eat. By all means tuck a snack in your bag, but don’t make a thing of it.

7. Don’t be that awkward guest 

To gracefully exit a boring conversation, merge with another chatting duo, then sneak away unnoticed in the hubbub. People see straight through “I’m going to the bathroom” or “I’m going to get another drink.” And “I’m gonna go make the rounds” is a bit cruel.

8. No, really, please don’t browbeat anyone into joining a game at a party 

But if you’re the only person who doesn’t want to play the game, offer to be scorekeeper.

The grace period for one-on-one social lateness without penalty remains unchanged at ten minutes sharp.

9. How to socialise with friends (and not fall out) 

Be on time — the people with the most expensive watches are always late.

10. Make tipping your extravagance 

Don’t just give back your change. And if you’re drinking and I’m not, offer to pay the entire tip. Just offer! It’s all we ask. The acknowledgment. Plus, the entire tip is easy arithmetic. Nobody needs you to pull out the calculator function on your phone.

11. Don’t butt in line with “a quick question.”  

They are never quick.

12. Stop calling your friend to ask the same question every year 

Stop asking friends for the same addresses, recipes, numbers. Write these things down. Keep track.

13. Can you charge guests?

Nothing says happy holidays like a cover charge. The trend of transferring financial responsibility from the host to the guest for holiday celebrations is turning fellowship into a monetary affair. It’s part of a bigger trend of billing guests for food and drink that you serve at parties. Depending on your point of view, is it a major breach of etiquette or simply pragmatic? It’s the inflated price that gets us. It’s not fair. People shouldn’t be punished for not having enough money to celebrate. We’re not convinced –  transferring financial responsibility from the host, who is traditionally expected to pay, to the guest is monetising friendship.

14. Find a new icebreaker 

Not everyone wants to answer “What do you do?” or “What are you working on?” Assume maybe they don’t do anything and aren’t working.

15. If you bring food or drink, you can’t take it home with you. It’s a house gift. It stays.

Be on time — the people with the most expensive watches are always late. Don’t keep fellow diners or the restaurant waiting. Time is money. Photo: Eye Swoon

16. Restaurant etiquette has particularly lapsed. Help! 

People, at this point, treat everything including restaurants, like their living room. Part of that has to do with the commodification of bourgeois luxury: Now everyone has a car service at their fingertips, everyone has on-demand concierge delivery of literally anything they need.

17. Never, ever make a superstar, whether they are famous or just extremely charismatic, face a wall; they always face the room. They must be allowed to sparkle.

18. Don’t go into a phone vortex at dinner  

There’s a complete lack of shame that is linked specifically to smartphones. Some people will come to a restaurant and just be like, “What do you mean you don’t have Apple Pay? I don’t have a card.” You should carry a card with you in case the place doesn’t have Apple Pay and have a little bit of cash for when the card reader is down. If you need to use your phone, say you have to respond to something, then get in and get out (no perusing).

19. It is rude not to confirm that a good time was had

If you didn’t receive a text from me within three hours after our hanging out, it would signal that I did not have a good time and I am simply not interested. It is rude not to confirm that a good time was had. I don’t care if we’ve known each other for 15 years; I’d like verification of a successful hangout. If I text “That was so fabulous,” I’d like to hear “I love you so much” in return within the hour.

20. Explain the guest list

If you’re hosting a gathering, you should explain the size of the invite list in real numbers. One person’s “small party” is another person’s “quite large party.”

21. If you’re somebody’s houseguest, always strip the bed, even if they tell you not to worry about it.

22. Go on take the last bite

Nobody wants to be the person who swipes that lone, lingering croquette or slurps down the final oyster from a communal seafood tower. Are you selfish? A glutton? All of the above? No. You are sparing everyone from the limbo of leaving one last bite on a shared plate. Eat the food! That’s why it’s there.

Good manners are about avoiding pretensions, attitudes, and beliefs that irritate, and the things that have become clichéd.

23. The best rules help us be good rather than seem good 

Text, email, and Paperless Post invitations are all okay. The only thing that’s not okay is an invitation from an assistant sent to your friends.

24. Inform your guests

Tell your guests what time you plan to sit down for dinner at a dinner party. (Example: “The party starts at 7:30, we’re sitting at eight.”)

25. At-home entertaining dress code

If there is no dress code, tell your guests what you are wearing — and then actually wear it. Don’t say you’re wearing jeans and then wear a gown or vice versa. Don’t make complicated dress codes (like Tuscan-sunset sorbet tones).

26. Always RSVP 

Always RSVP “no” if you’re the slightest bit unsure. It’s so much easier to change your reply to a “yes” at the last minute than to try to come up with an excuse to cancel. And if you reply “yes,” you have to go. Reply to an invite right away. Busy, productive people respond quickly. Lazy, chaotic people reply late. It’s a fact.

27. Get your party arrival time right 

If you’re going to a small party, do not arrive on time. It’s rude. But if you’re going to a large party where you don’t know anyone, go early. It’s easier to find someone new to talk to in a small crowd than in a big crowd.

28. Whatever you do, try to avoid “Pleasure to meet you.” Say “How do you do?” instead.

29. A manner’s manifesto for introductions

Always introduce people who are in a conversation or who you think may have something in common. Don’t be offended if they become friends without you. Always introduce a younger person to an older or more distinguished person.

30. No name-dropping

Never name-drop unless it’s a funny, self-deprecating story. But if you must (and sometimes you must), use the celebrity’s first and last name. Somehow it’s less obnoxious.

31. The seating rules

Host couples should be seated at different tables so more people feel as if they’re at a good table.

32. Smoking?

Never tell your guests to smoke outside or not to smoke at all. Never ask your guests to take off their shoes.

33. Never give “a tour” unless people insist 

And if they insist, don’t show the bathrooms.

34. How to get out of a conversation

If you want out of a conversation, you can say, “Well, I don’t want to keep you any longer.”

35. No coughing 

Don’t cough in a crowded room.

36. How to set a table

When setting a table, put the silverware and glasses wherever you want, and don’t invite the person who would give you a hard time about things being in the wrong place.

37. No negative comments

Leaving negative comments says more about you, the person who left the negative comment.

38. Pay it 

Don’t make people have to chase you for money. Pay it.

39. Find a new icebreaker. Not everyone wants to answer “What do you do?” or “What are you working on?” Assume maybe they don’t do anything and aren’t working.

40. Phone rules 

Face up and away from your phone when you cross the street (even if you’re at a crosswalk and it’s green).

41. Don’t ask people where they live within two minutes of meeting them. This is every person’s attempt to profile you based on your address.

42. Offer to help out 

If you’re fit and capable and see a woman alone with a stroller on the subway stairs, offer to help out. • And while we’re at it, here are some phrases and words we think should be banned: circle back, the ’gram, ‘‘meal’, or ‘pardon’ – to which we would add going ‘bless you’ when someone sneezes.

43. Don’t do the unforgiveable 

Saying ‘Bon appétit’ is unforgivable, as is all that sniffing of wine.

Photo: Lauren Santo Dominigo

44. Additional tips for being a good guest at a restaurant these days

Be prompt and don’t keep fellow diners or the restaurant waiting. Time is money, and they need that table for somebody else. The sooner you’re out, the sooner everybody’s making some money.

45. Don’t dominate the ordering

Don’t dominate the ordering: Ask before ordering for the table. If you’re invited out and you’re not sure who’s hosting, it’s OK to clarify and offer to split.

46. Always show gratitude for being invited, even with a simple “thank you” text.

47. Pay attention to club rules 

Don’t be entitled — they do apply to you. Most rules say the same thing: that my good time is just as important as everyone else’s. Even if you think it’s stupid that phones aren’t allowed out, keep yours in your pocket.

48. Be nice to security

They’re the reason the crowd is good. Remember that your mood affects everyone else’s. When you’re feeling flat and you don’t want to be around people, don’t go to the club and rub your mood on others. A caveat: If you’re feeling low, but you still have respect [for others], the collective energy in the room will get rid of your low energy.

49. Don’t be a tourist

You’re a guest, so be extra respectful. Give people at the party or dinner you’re attending room to do their thing without interrupting or putting yourself at the centre of the event. Make conversation, and circulate. Don’t just pose for pictures and not give anything to the room in return. Don’t stare. Say hi and what’s up if someone looks a little lost. Our favourite kind of person to seek out is someone who’s genuinely happy to be there.

50. You can absolutely have good taste without money – it’s simply about not being run-of-the-mill. Good manners are about avoiding pretensions, attitudes, and beliefs that irritate, and the things that have become clichéd.

Photo: Lauren Santo Dominigo